MY LIFE AFTER MEDITATION
My life hasn’t been the same after this August’s Vipassana Meditation. I was really drained from the three-hour drive home, so afterward I decided to take a nap. Then my roommate knocked at my door and asked if I wanted to go to Costco to which I said no. I decided to meditate for an hour hoping it would help, which it didn’t. When he arrived, I went out to the kitchen to say hi. He wanted to know how my experience went. I told him I wasn’t ready to talk just yet so he told me about his days.
As he was talking I could feel my whole body vibrating and I began to tear -- mind you we were at opposite ends of the kitchen about five yards apart, give or take. Then I began seeing his aura. I am not sure if my body was in shock but I breathed through the sensations. When I told him what I was experiencing he made a comic character reference, but now I can’t remember who he was speaking of. He told me, “I thought you’d be coming back as happy-go-lucky that you always are, because you look happy and content.” Frankly, I don’t know what I was feeling; all I was doing was staring into space and at the trees.
The next day I meditated right after I woke up and half an hour later I started crying for no reason (there’s always a reason when I cry, I just didn’t know it, yet). The entire week I was drained and tired. That Friday was my first day teaching Y12SR (Yoga 12 Step Recovery), which I started with two other girls. I didn’t want to teach that night because I was so tired and drained; I even took a nap but that didn’t do me any good. Class went on and then I was told to teach. I taught the class but all I remember doing was walking around the room and giving guidance to students. At the end of the class the first thought that came in my head was “what the fuck!” I don’t remember teaching, just that I flowed. Even on my good days I don’t teach that well. I didn’t think at all; I just DID.
As days went on my experiences fluctuated. August was a month of pain and suffering. I had to call my friend to work on me because he’s practicing to become a Reiki Master. All I remembered was the heaviness in my heart looked and felt like a black ball and when he asked me what I was feeling all I remembered saying from a bunch of words and sentences. What struck me the most was when I said I DON’T WANT TO BE HER. I had no clue what it meant. Why I would say such thing would soon be answered.
September was something to remember. It was one of the best and the worst. I still got in my own head as much as I wanted to eliminate all the mental impurities. The best part was that one day I asked one of my student to go to lunch for her birthday. We were talking for hours and then it happened. I began talking about how this vessel that I am in is a very weak being. Then I closed my eyes -- I don’t ever close my eyes when talking to anyone, I typically look away to reach for words.
Then I opened my eyes and the room atmosphere changed: it seemed like it paused, timeless. It felt like I was floating and the friend I was with started to look unfamiliar. As words begin to assemble in my mouth to utter words, I began to feel scared which snapped me out of it and I freaked out. My friend and I stared at each other for a quick second, which seemed longer at the time.
As I look back at my first week back from the meditation when I was teaching Y12SR class I felt that same feeling of stillness: timeless and peaceful. I thought I was going crazy but my friend told me that my demeanor changed; I had a fierce look in my eyes and sat up straight.
Encountering that part of me again scared the life out of me. I speak about her as if she was another person but we are one and the same. It was the enlightened part of me. This is my truth.
For days I spoke about it as if we were two different people because it was too much to handle and a scary feeling. But now I embrace her, that’s why I wrote a note to myself because I know the past of who I was is being enhanced to the person I’ve always been. Writing this still makes me cry because it’s still fresh, and coming to the surface.
This was the most empowering month ever or at least that I am fully aware of. At one point, I thanked a friend for all the lessons, hugged and kissed this person on the cheek, and walked away. In response, this person said,”Ann, what did I do?” twice. I said, “don’t worry about it, it’s in the past.” As I walked away I cried and laughed at the same time. When a person has to ask what they did to you to learn a lesson, the lesson wasn’t meant for them. All I can say is that I don’t recognize that person in my skin; she was confident, fearless and beautiful. Yes, I know I am all that because we are one and the same.
Then lastly in September, I found a guru or teacher whom I’ll be working with on bettering myself for the good of others. The last week of September was unsettling; I was feeling anxious without it taking over me which a great improvement and accomplishment. Then I got other Reiki done from my teacher and what it revealed is the scared little girl that I had e-veiled (evil) over and over and over again just so I could be someone I wasn’t. She was hiding behind a black rock picking out and looking at me scared. All I could do was cry and feel her suffering and pain from hiding all these years. After I was all cried out the darkness in my heart had turned into light and my body definitely felt lighter.
My journey does not end here, it is just beginning…
The Divine in me honors the Divine in You. I recognize my true essence in every soul I meet. I am you, you are me and we are one.